Ruining My Life With Wingstop

Woah, a quadruple post. How exciting! I guess that's what happens when you have a lot of things in your life going on at the same time, eh?

Wingstop has recently been promoted onto my list of safe foods. One day, I just ordered a flavor that sounded good and that was basically it.

But do flavors that sound good always taste good? What about the other way around? Why limit oneself to a flavor chosen solely on the basis of an arbitrary name?

In this post, I'm going to rigorously and scientifically settle this once and for all by reviewing all 11 fucking Wingstop flavors.

Reviews are ordered by time of consumption. I won't be scoring or ranking or tier-listing or whatever. I just want to eat Wingstop.

Single Wielding

Let me just get this out of the way first and say that I'm not actually ordering the wings.

I don't like bone-in wings because I'd either have to get both of my hands dirty or awkwardly hold them using one hand.

I've tried boneless wings before, but like, the shape is incompatible with my mouth. Half of one is too small for a bite, but a whole one is too big.

So I usually go for the tenders. Fight me.

Garlic Parmesan

It's got garlic, it's got parmesan, who can complain about that?

Me. The parmesan is so crumbly and shit and it gets everywhere on my table.

It tastes good though.

Hot Honey Rub

This was my go-to flavor before I even started doing… this.

It's sweet and has just a little kick of spice. I like it.

Texas Buffalo

Not good. The vinegar(?) makes it way too strong and acidic.

I also don't know what happened to the preparation of my chicken, because parts of the skin fell off when I picked up the meat.

Onto my bed.

I was eating at my desk.

The bed is to the left of my desk.

The skin fell onto my bed.

I had just washed my bed sheets.

Fuck you Wingstop.

Kecap Manis

People online have said that this is the best Wingstop flavor and that it's quite spicy. Turns out neither of those things are true, so I don't know what to believe anymore.

I mean, I kind of see why people would like it, I guess.

Also, fried onion makes your breath stink.

Louisiana Rub

It's fine. I didn't expect the funky color, but other than that, it just feels like a milder and lamer version of Hot Honey Rub.

Mango Habanero

Pretty good. It reminds me of that beloved sweet and sour chicken at food courts.

But unlike sweet and sour chicken, this one is supposed to be eaten with your hands. The sauce got all over my hand (singular) and I hated it.

Next time, I'll just use a fork. This is a highly dangerous and illegal maneuver known as zero wielding. I am a professional with experience. Never try this at home.

Teriyaki

It's sweet, it's sticky, it's umami-y. It's literally soy sauce.

I just don't like soy sauce that much. No offense to the chicken.

Lemon Pepper

Quite acidic (I mean, it's lemon, I dunno what you were expecting), but I low-key dig it.

The evil cousin of Hot Honey Rub.

Hickory Smoked BBQ

Same issue as Teriyaki. I just don't like barbecue sauce. It's way too sweet.

Voodoo Fries

We'll be reaching the "finale" shortly, so here's a brief intermission.

I ordered a different combo than my usual for the last two flavors. I did not expect to get a wacky flavor of fries. In the other combo, I could customize which fries I wanted, and I'd always choose the regular ones.

A surprise for sure, but I suppose it's a welcome one. Tastes just like chili fries.

Ultimately, I don't think it's worth the extra cost or worth the extra calories. I mean, not that either was ever an issue in the first place, but you know.

Black Pepper and Inferno

I briefly considered ending the list here and skipping the two actually spicy flavors.

But I ain't no pussy. I will finish what I started.

My verdict for these two is N/A because my tongue was physically unable to taste anything after the first bite.

I (mostly) have no regrets.

Blind Packs

Apparently the combo came with a blind pack, which I really did not consent to.

I reluctantly opened it and got a keychain of sorts. The charm is like… the head of a woman whose curly hair is meant to resemble a drumstick or something.

I hate it. I hate it so fucking much. I don't know how to get rid of it.

Oh, and I had to order two of these combos, by the way. One for each flavor.

So I have two keychains now.

They are haunting my room.

Please send help.

Final Thoughts

Yeah I think I'll just stick to Hot Honey Rub. And Mango Habanero if I'm feeling frisky.

This was certainly an experience. Those concerned about my health after reading about this whole ordeal will be glad to know that I've gained a negative amount of weight.

That's all from me for now. You've unlocked a new ending.

Ending 3/4 – Eat Your Heart Out