New Year, New Me (Allegedly)
You know, whenever I write a semi-personal post like this, I have no idea who the target audience is. I think for the most part I write for myself, but that definitely isn't the entire reason (otherwise I'd just write in a private journal).
I guess if there's a small (but non-zero) chance my post resonates with some random kid on the Internet who needs it, then writing is surely worth it. I'd like to think that kid is a younger version of myself.
The new year is coming up. I don't think New Year's resolutions are for me. I think working on yourself is a continuous process that shouldn't be dictated by our arbitrary time-keeping system.
Having said that, even if our system is a bit arbitrary, time itself is very much a real thing. I am 19 now. I am getting older.
I realize most of my takes on this site tend to be extreme. I think that's just how I typically compartmentalize things. Like, I could've outright said that New Year's resolutions are stupid. Or, I could've (well, I have) said that people are fundamentally incapable of understanding each other.
I am certainly trying to communicate some ideas here. I do believe in them, to some extent. However, I think presenting (and thinking about) them this way is kind of unhelpful (and potentially harmful for me).
Honestly, those posts are mainly shock value if anything. But who doesn't like a little bit of clickbait?
It's funny, my site has only been here for less than a year, and I've already had to correct outdated posts. And now I want to correct those corrections because they felt too extreme. Strange.
I guess what I'm getting at is I should be less emotional when I write. Or at least, try to accurately capture what it is that I actually mean. Writing spur-of-the-moment thoughts can be helpful, but it's worth acknowledging that that's what they are, and separating them from non-impulsive ones (if I even have those :p)
By no means am I "broken", but I definitely don't have everything together. I won't say nobody has everything together (remember: reduce the extreme takes), but I think it's valid to say that a lot of people don't.
And that's… fine? Normal, even.
If I don't feel good, then I am allowed to not feel good. Feeling bad about not feeling good would just make me feel worse, and then it gets into a pretty bad feedback loop.
So yes, it's normal to acknowledge that I'm upset.
I highly suspect I'm neurodivergent. (oh my god, what a surprise?!) It's not a huge impediment in my life, and I don't really care what "flavor" of it I have, so I don't feel the need to be properly diagnosed. For now, anyway.
In any case, I have different needs.
I have stims. I have hyperfixations. I don't particularly fancy small talk.
Of course, I can accommodate other people. But it's a two-way street. They should be able to accommodate me as well.
I shouldn't be ashamed that I have these things. I shouldn't actively try to suppress them for others.
I think it's unhelpful to categorize me as either "normal" or "not normal".
I think it's unhelpful to categorize most people that way.
I am valid for who I am.
Maybe this is obvious. Maybe I already know it's obvious.
Maybe it's hard to put into practice?
But, you know, I can always try. And I should!
What else?
Be kind to myself.
Try not to let others' words get to me. In fact, I might even be imagining them.
Acknowledge that I have somewhat low self-esteem, and that's okay.
I don't know, I was expecting I'd write some life-changing advice here, but that's admittedly not how it works.
Small steps.
I've started to care more about my appearance.
I guess it was inevitable, really. It'd been quietly building up over the past few years.
I had never really done much about it before. I looked… fine, before? But there wasn't really anything that said "Yes, this is me".
I got a new haircut, new glasses, new hoodies…
It definitely isn't a magical overnight transformation into, I dunno, a soft twink.
Sometimes there are still days when I feel ugly and self-conscious. And that's fine. Again, it's okay to feel like this, of course.
But hearing other people compliment me (even calling me cute!! uwah!!!) about an outfit and style that I chose myself… I think it's worth it.
Small steps.
After I completed Project Euler, I admittedly felt kind of hollow. Like I'd achieved something great, and now it's just… bleh.
So I've been getting back into competitive programming (specifically Codeforces). Properly. For real.
It's not an easy transition. With Project Euler, progress was easily measurable (it's literally the number of problems I've solved). For Codeforces, contest performance is much more volatile, and I can get frustrated if I don't see myself improve right away.
Because of that, I'd say it's better to reframe my goal as "do comp-prog more regularly". "Improve at comp-prog" will most likely be an outcome of this, but it is not the goal itself. Setting that as the goal would only create unwanted pressure.
Progress may be slow and a bit random, but for now, I think if I can develop a healthier relationship with comp-prog, it'll result in better mental health for me in the long run.
I have a lot more to yap about this, but for the sake of not derailing this main post, I've written a separate appendix here.
Small steps.
That's all I have to say at the moment. Thank you for reading my (not) New Year's resolution, and a Happy New Year to you!